Testosterone Role Playing Book

While going to Texas Tech University I had the wonderful pleasure of playing role playing games with some of the smartest and creative people I will ever know.  We played the original TSR D&D, AD&D and eventually started playing using the Hero game system.

As we played many funny things were said and some of them were recorded along the way.  Here is a partial list of those sayings.  You may find them funny.  You may think they are stupid.  You may think they are weird.  I am sure you will decide "David you are definitely a nerd." And I am ok with all of that.

I am publishing these in honor my friends and those great times we had +30 years ago.  Thank you Don, Rosemary, Mike, Matt, Chris, Rob, Jerry, and the many others who joined us over the years.

  • A pissant has one-fourth of a hit point.
  • In Champions: Little old ladies fly on a three.  (This later happened.)
  • My grandmother is much too smart to fly.  Maybe Chris' grandmother. . .
  • From the movie Octaman: Put the fire around him [the monster].  It'll burn up all the oxygen around him and he'll pass out.
  • Chris: Given the choice of indulging in sexual intercourse or dying of the plague, I'll choose sexual intercourse.
  • Overheard from David: I'm excited.  What do you want?
  • Don: Thank God for rent-a-urchin.
  • Chris:  I don't care what they call it.  If it tastes good, I'll eat it.
    Matt:   Even if it's radioactive?
    David:  It doesn't matter--he eats sausages.
  • From the adventure where the elven Druid, trying to ask aid from the visiting queen, seduces her:  Aren't affairs of state fun?
  • The amount of enjoyment you derive from a sexual encounter = (your testerone level [d100] / d20 ) * 6 plus charisma modifiers for all individuals involved
  • Are you kinky? No, he's a Druid.
  • Don: I think a Druid is the logical person to have satyriasis.
  • I wouldn't speculate as to the height of his order.
  • Don't worry, magic armor doesn't absorb odor.
    How natural is hobbit shit?
  • Don't ask me, I just own it [the sword].  I'm not responsible for its peccadillos before I met it.
  • Chris (resident theologian):  Something that does not exist is not evil.
  • Is it a co-ed ship?  If not, there's a problem.
    That's what change self spells are for.
    If you have a giant-size bladder, then that's a real problem (with gesture of urinating over the side of the ship).
  • Don:  I used to do that when I had flashbacks.
  • Did he move like flowing mercury to envelope it, or did he catch it like a cleric?
  • From Wizards and Warriors: (Watching a demonic guard from concealment) Being here is foolish.  I'm going to do something silly.
  • Matt:  I need to know what I know about it because I don't know what I know about it.
  • Matt:  The magic words of "Poof, poof, piffle/make me just as small as Sniffles!"
  • Probably Quetzalcoatl comes back every thousand years or so and looks for a tasty virgin.
    But I didn't think that Q liked virgins.
    Okay, so an experienced woman.
  • Rosemary:  This thing looks funky.  It looks really funky.  I'm going to use my big thing on it.
  • I don't care about the justification, just the facts.
  • I've got plenty of inches left 'til I get down to seven.
  • I've heard lots of strange battle cries.  "Bink" is not as bad as some.
  • David:  I'm chaotic neutral.  Eat this.
  • Matt:  Shoot for the blacks of their holes.
  • Well, after I saw the monk teaching the owl bears a martial throw, I'm sure any kind of weapon you design is new and innovative. . .
  • Put on an air of several hit dice. . .
  • This'll take a few minutes.  Be back in a sec.
  • They're huge green dragons, ancient, about 40' long. What do you do?
    Well, since they're coming toward me, I guess I'd better attack.
  • No, it's much better to go into limbo than be annihilated.  In limbo, you get Muzak.
  • If you give a frog immense magical powers, he &will have a personality like the Shadow's.
  • My sister is a half-ogre with a negative comeliness. She has a wisdom of 6 and a strength of 18/75.  Do you want me to introduce you?
    No, marry her off to a barbarian.
  • After a giggling fit: The only thing that will start that up again would be for someone to say something actually funny.
    Sir, I need the keys from you.
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. . .
  • What's a koko master?
    It's the level at which you can kill 20 men without spilling your cocoa.
  • Vampire in a bottle
  • There are two horses being dropped on you.  What's your armor class?
  • Where's this kingdom?
    Several levels of experience away.
  • Well, was he dead?
    Not at that time.
  • Melody: If you're a little gray-haired old lady, you have to swear harder before they'll take you seriously.
  • Rosemary, as Holly: My mother always told me, "If you don't think it's there, it's probably something you can' see."
  • Did you grab her nice?
    I'm a paladin--of course I grabbed her nice!
  • Mike:  If you can't kill them, bullshit them!
  • Rosemary:  The only reason his testosterone is that low is that his charisma is that high.
  • At the max, you burn down buildings.
  • To the samarai:  Don't assume anything.
    To the Viking:   Do you like sitting there with blood dripping off your face?
  • Does he sit like flowing mercury?
  • All you hear is squeaking.
    Well, does he squeak like flowing mercury?
  • I'll check my "Shooting out those forces" roll.
  • Cartoon with mage looking at crystal ball.  From the crystal ball "This has been a test of the emergency magickal broadcast system.  If this had been an actual magickal emergency, you would have been instructed where to scry for. . ."
  • Are you the level of monk where we can stick you in a portable hole and forget about you?
  • Knowing these are ninja, I'm still taking precautions even though I am three inches tall and invisible.
  • Can you walk and chew gum at the same time?
    Of course I can--I'm a monk.
  • I need to figure out what my plusses are.  What do I need to get to hit this guy?
  • This will not necessarily be a charge from behind, but I think I should get that bonus because I am two inches tall and invisible.
  • Can a medical tricorder detect virulent micro-orgasms?
  • When you're as evil as Nessie, you just shit in the Loch.
  • If you think that was impressive, you should see what I had to do to get my lance in there.
  • I don't know if, strictly speaking, this is possible but I've seen it done on cop shows.
  • You want me to mate with something?  I'm not going to screw that!
  • Don't think of my orifices.  Choose a category.
  • After an errant dice roll landed in Matt's lap:  Now, that's what I call a cocked dice.
  • I guess that's what makes him a bard.  He can enjoy things like that.
  • You will live to regale your apprentices with this story.  "I went to another plane to bowl for kobolds."
  • I laugh in total fear.
  • During a Champions game:
    One of the sanitation engineers steps on you.
    No problem, I have PD.
  • I need a brilliant idea and luck. Oh, damn.

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