Week 42 Back in Minnesota

Last week week was the first week in 41 weeks that I missed writing in this blog.  I have a great excuse for not writing, I was way to tired from having too much fun .  Last week I went to two blues shows, one on Thursday night and another on Friday night.  I also went to the Sat. jam.  By the time I was done with all three of those events I was dead for the rest of the weekend.  I guess I am getting close to 50 years old.  

Selling/Renting the House in Topeka

We did find out our house is rentable.  In fact we heard from at least two professionals that we should not have a problem renting it at the price the agent set it at.  It is just a matter of time.  There isn't a lot of 'rental inventory' for a house our size and price range.  People who need a house are size are executives usually from more expensive locations and will want to live in a good school district.  These are all good things for us.

We have only had one house showing since lowering the price.  Zillow hasn't caught up with the price change on their charts but the price has dropped another $6k.  Trudy is ready to drop it again because she just wants out of the house.  We are quickly approaching a point where we would have to pay money to get out of the house.  After this whole fiasco about moving to Topeka Kansas is done we won't be able to buy a house when we move to the Twin Cities.  Trudy and I came to that realization a few weeks ago.  It is a bitter pill to swallow.

Of course we did get caught up in the whirlwind of the housing downward spiral.  We also got caught in my bad decision on insisting on buying a house based on how much money we had from the sale of our previous house in Minnesota rather than the house we needed, another 1800 to 2000 sq. ft. house.  I haven't figured out why I broke my own rule about buying the house we did in Topeka yet.  It would be simple to say it was because I was being greedy or because of the prestige of having a big house.  But the more I learn about my own mental illness I am coming to learn that it could be for all kinds of other reasons.

Looking for a place to live in the Twin Cities

So I have started looking for places where we could live here in the Twin Cities.  Obviously we have to rent a place.  We are also concentrating on an area around the St. Paul Highland Park High School.  We think this is the best place for both Benjamin to finish out his high school experience and for Catalina to start her high school experience.  The general location is here (sorry I haven't set up embedded Google maps on my website yet).

We have some requirements that make finding a place difficult.  We definitely need three bedrooms and two bathrooms would be best.  Also the landlords have to be ok with two cats and a medium sized dog.  All of those requirements quickly eliminate a lot of rental property.  The first few places I found were not acceptable.  There were too small, had no A/C, or were just to dingy for our family to live in.  I did find two very nice apartments that would work out very well.  They are close to where I work and have some great advantages.  I also found a house that would work.  It plenty big enough.  There was extra storage space in the basement.  The landlord was ok with pets, with a big non-refundable deposit.  It had a couple of minor issues - one of which the landlord would resolve and the other one we could either live with or resolve ourselves.

So now it is just a matter of timing and whether or not the places are available when we need them.

Realities of new place to live in the Twin Cities

The fact of the matter is the house we had in Topeka Kansas is huge.  It is not quite a McMansion but it was more house than we needed (see my comments above).  We are going to be downsizing in house space and we are going to be renting for sometime to come.  Those are hard realities to live with.  I knew we would be downsizing in how much space we would have in a house because we were moving back to the Twin Cities and homes are more expensive.  Also we are moving into St. Paul which is more expensive per square foot that the suburbs.  I don't think I was prepared for how much we would be downsizing.  In the end we will have about 40% of the space in any new place we live in St. Paul.  That is alot smaller place to live than what we had before.

Also we will be renting.  I was not prepared to have to rent.  I was working off the assumption, until a month ago, that we could get enough out of our house for a down payment for a house here in the Twin Cities.  I will be honest the loss of being a homeowner is very hard blow to take.  If I dwell to much on that fact, I end up becoming very angry about our move to Topeka and wishing we had just stayed in the Twin Cities all those years ago.  But wishes are not reality and my anger will not change anything.  It will just consume me.  So I do my best to let it go and live with what is rather than what I wish it could be.

Next steps

Once we have something firm on the house, a renter or sale on the table, Trudy and kids will come up to the Twin Cities.  We will make a final decision on where to live, sign a lease, register the kids for school and plan on when I come back down to make the move.  Of course that also means making sure we have the help driving the trucks that we need as well. 

How I am doing with all this ambiguity

A year ago I would have been climbing the walls with all of the ambiguity that is going on right now.  The fact of the matter is I would have been trying to control the situation by trying to control the people around me.  I would have been constantly calling people and hassling them to get things done quicker.  I would have been trying to get up to date information all the time.  I would have been an emotional wreck.

Right now I am doing ok with the ambiguity.  I have no control over anything.  I have idea who, when, or what will be the fate for our house in Topeka.  It is frustrating and yet I can set it down most of the time.  I have no idea where we will be living when everyone will be living up here.  That is scary because I want us to have a nice place to live.  But until the first thing is resolved, we can't know what will be available and we won't be even able to know what to choose from.  I don't even know who will be able to help us with driving the trucks or if we have people to help us drive the trucks.  Will I have to make the trip twice and unload one truck load and then come back down with an empty truck to refill it again.  Who knows.

I am doing ok with my anxiety.  I am engaging in one bad behavior - I am eating too much.  But compared to my other unhealthy behaviors that one is minor.

I have found over the past few weeks the work I have been doing both in individual and group therapy is changing my thinking and behaving in small but critical ways.  I am actually catching myself before I start down the road to mania or depression.  I am able to change my thinking at key moments and refocus myself in healthier ways.  These are first steps towards getting healthy.  We are starting to deal with some of the old wounds and infections that have left me so hurt all these years.


I am ready for this year of being on my own to end.  I don't know what it will be like to live with Trudy, Benjamin and Catalina again.  Honestly.  I am guessing it will take a year to get use to it again.  It will take a year to develop new patterns of living together again.  I am sure I will have old stresses and fears to face plus new ones.  The difference now is that I am starting to really get healthy.

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