Week 43 Back in Minnesota

Selling/Renting the House in Topeka

Well the price on the house was dropped more than three weeks ago and we have had exactly two showings.  The last showing the feedback that came back was that the kitchen was too small for price we were asking.  Fortunately the agent who showed the house happens to the be the top seller in the agency our agent works at.  So we got some more feedback from that agent.  The bottom line is we have to drop the price and push ourselves 'underwater' to sell the house.  Trudy just wants out of Topeka and the house.  Personally I hope we get a renter, so we have a chance at salvaging something out of this mess.  On the renting front we didn't have any nibbles at the price the house was set at so they lowered the rent down $100.  Hopefully that brings in some people to look at the house. 

Places to live in the Twin Cities

I have found two apartments that we can live in without to much trouble.  Both of them are inside the high school attendance area that we want the children to attend.  That is very good because it means they will get to know kids in the neighborhood and be able to make friends within the neighborhood they will be going to school with.  I have one house to look at as well.  House vs. apartments both have their pros and cons.  In the end I am leaving it up to Trudy, Benjamin and Catalina to decide what they want to do.  I will lay out my pros and cons for living in a house vs. apartment and the locations.

Having said all that I don't see how we can carry making a house payment and rent at the same time.  Trudy thinks she is going to be able to put together something that is within her professional circle, not necessarily a full time pastoral position, but a set of part time jobs that uses many of her professional skills.  I hope so because without that we are going to be in deep trouble very quickly.

Good news

Trudy, Benjamin and Catalina are coming to the Twin Cities next week.  They are coming to pick a place to live, for us to spend some time as a family, and for Benjamin and Catalina to be registered for school.  Trudy might go and do some professional contacts while she is in town as well.  I am looking forward to being with them.

My mental state

I should mention the negative side first.  I am very angry at myself for making so many bad decisions about Topeka.  Those decisions include thinking that I was doing the right thing because it was a "God thing" to do.  The decision not to speak up to Trudy when I knew that Topeka was too small of a city for me to find real work in and if things dried up we would be stuck.  The decision to buy more house than we needed.

When I think about how people at Trudy's former church are 'moving on' and the synod is 'moving on' for very long a deep rage starts to well up in me.  There have been no real consequences for them. How dare they get to move on?  How dare they get to create so much damage in my life and get to move on when I have to suffer with the consequences and they have none.

I am also sad because of how much this sets me back financially.  This will have an impact on Benjamin and Catalina and their future.  We won't be able to help them with college like we might like too.  There just won't be the cash flow to do it.  And I am so frustrated because there is nothing I can do about any of this.  I am stuck.

On top of all of that I have been learning how to not use my past coping mechanisms.  Not having those coping mechanisms available to me (no matter how unhealthy they were) makes these situations harder because I am still learning new healthier coping mechanisms. 

As I write this I can feel the physical response to my anger and anxiety in my body.

In spite of all of those negative emotions and reactions the good side to all of this is that I am recognizing them for what they are.  I am coping with these feelings and reactions in new ways.  One of the ways is to name them and live with them instead of numbing them with some unhealthy coping mechanism.

For instance I went out last night to see my friend Moses Oakland play at a pub in White Bear Lake.  Listening to the blues helped me relax and took away my own blues.  I am about to head out and go to the my regular Saturday morning jam.  It is such a pleasure and ego boost to be able to play with out musicians.  I always come away feeling so much better after I have spent my Saturday morning there.

I will also be playing guitar at church on Sunday.  And the music is for "Fiesta Sunday" which reminds me of the music one of my uncles use to play in his Pentacostal Spanish speaking church.  I have to listen to the tape he gave today so I really get into the music before Sunday.

The big difference thought is going to individual and group therapy every week and learning about myself.  The fact of the matter is that I have been the walking wounded for a long time.  We are just now starting to clean out those wounds.  This is going to be a slow and sometimes very painful, messy and "smelly" (think infected) process.  But I can't live with the alternative.  I won't live with the alternative anymore.  I am starting to see changes in me.  I like those changes.  I want more of these changes.  They are good changes and I am going to get healthy.  Healthier than I have ever been.

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