Trust, Vulnerability, and Honesty

Recently I have been learning how to trust, be vulnerable with another person, and be honest about my emotions.  All three of these things are new for me.  I learned early in life to not trust.  As a parent myself I know how easy it is to let your children down.  I also learned from my parents mistakes, that it is important to apologize immediately for those mistakes.  I learned along the way it was not safe to be honest with my emotions and feelings at home.  I know my parents are very sorry for those mistakes now and I have forgiven them for those mistakes.

In fact I still care "infected emotional wounds" from those times.  I am learning that being vulnerable means being in a situation where I can share my true emotions with someone else and not try and control the situation.  In the past I have tried to control the situation by anticipating (ruminating) what the response would be instead of being in the moment.  In the past I would guard my try feelings so I wouldn't hurt the other person or so that I could answer the question the way I thought they wanted me to answer.  I would lie.  I would deceive.  

My work in individual and group therapy has helped me begin to work in these areas.  But as my therapist has told me "Real therapy happens outside of sessions and group."

Trudy and I have been in deep conversations during the last week.  One of them has been very painful for both of us.  And it needed to happen.  Other conversations have not been as painful and have helped me clarify in my own mind many of my thoughts about the last five years, some of which I will elaborate on in this posting.

Being honest about Topeka

In the past I have written that I blame and have been very angry at the members of church that Trudy served and the synod.  I was angry because I felt we were brought there with partial and incomplete information.  I actually believed we had been lied to so the synod and church could get a pastor and be 'done with it'.  In fact I wanted to be a victim to the circumstances around going to Topeka.

The truth is, if I had been having honest conversations with Trudy at the time she was looking at synods about my concerns things would have turned out differently.  I should have voiced my concern about being in a small city like Topeka or Wichita.  I wish I had brought up my fears about job and career possibilities for myself in the Topeka and Wichita area.  And when the congregation got so upset about the possibility of us living Lawrence I buried my 'warning' feelings.

In the end I had many choices concerning how and why we ended up in Topeka KS.  I made bad choices.  I choose to not be honest, truthful, trusting and vulnerable with Trudy.  In the end, we have all paid a terrible price for those mistakes.

Closing for this week

Although this has been one of my most anxious weeks I am satisfied and proud of myself for taking steps to become healthier.  Especially to have a healthier relationship with Trudy, Benjamin and Catalina.  I know I have a very long road ahead of me.  At least it is a yellow brick road and I am heading for my Undiscovered Country.


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